A beautiful blessing.

When I met Luke we knew from the word go that we wanted children together. Our meeting was special, there was a bond and we knew we were meant to be together. He is my everything and that was certain from the start. Some people will have an opinion on it but we didn’t use contraception from the first time. I loved L with all my heart but I knew that even if the worst was to happen, after recent events I was strong enough to do it on my own.

G was conceived after 1 month and we were over the moon. He is our ray of sunshine and the completion of our little patchwork family. Or so we thought.

We didn’t want any more children. I adore babies, especially my own, and I love being pregnant but G’s pregnancy was tough as was the first 4 months of his life. Add to that a child with possible ASD and a child with hyper mobility and we decided to focus on the 3 amazing children that we had been blessed with.

Then came January 2012.

It was our doing, just once when we decided not to use contraception and chance it. I wasn’t near ovulation and we didn’t think much about it. Then came the positive test. It was a big shock, so much so that L refused to believe the tests until I’d taken a digital one and he’d seen it for himself in black and white. But there was no doubting it, we were going to have number 4. After a week or so we had got our heads round the idea and were looking forward to being parents again. I went to the GP and was referred to the midwife and sent away with the familiar little bottle of folic acid.

On 31st January we took the little 2 to a soft play centre with some close friends. I told them and we were delighted to share our good news. That afternoon whilst getting ready for college I started to bleed. L told me not to worry and to see the GP in the morning if it continued. I took another pregnancy test and was delighted that it was still positive. I went to college as usual and put on a brave face but deep down I knew what was happening. It got steadily worse and the next day, 1st February 2012, I found myself in A&E being told that my pregnancy test was now negative and I’d probably lost the baby in one of the clots down the toilet.

The grief was unreal. I have never experienced emotional pain like that and I hope I never have to go through that again. L was also upset however I don’t think he understood the true extent to my upset. I’m not sure anyone could comprehend it until they’ve been through it.

As well as the grief I was also so confused. How could I be so upset for something I’d never seen, never held. But the truth was I had seen them, seen them in our thoughts, our minds as we looked towards the future with our little surprise. I had held them. Held them in my body for 6 precious weeks. I’d imagined it was a girl, I’ve no idea why, it’s just the feeling I had and even named her. L hated the name but I was determined to try and win him over.

The pain subsided a little and we made the decision that we wanted another. This little one that shocked us so much but that we already loved and wanted with all our hearts had made us realise that we could bring another child into the world and our family. We didn’t use contraception after our loss and the following month on 8th March we discovered I was expecting again. I was so very grateful to once again fall pregnant so easily but with this pregnancy came something else. Fear. A pure fear for something that I’d now experienced. The fear has now eased after our first scan but I’m still a lot more wary of this pregnancy and something happening than I was with the other 3. I’m now all too aware of having it snatched away.

I still think about our little one we lost and I still feel sorrow for her. It was awful to go through but she was a blessing. She made us realise what we truly wanted and that we could do it. I’ll never know if she was a girl but to me she was and it makes it easier to think of her as an actual person that we were blessed with for a short time than a foetus, an it.

She opened our hearts to another child and brought us closer together. She made me look at life in a different way. Grateful for what we did have, our children and each other. I now hold them a little closer, a little longer and treasure every day. I see this new pregnancy in a different light, I enjoy every kick and wiggle and embrace the niggles that come from pregnancy rather than feel annoyed.

She was only with us for 6 weeks but she changed me so much and for that I’ll always thank her and think of her. My little Elodie.

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About apparentlymad

Full time Mummy to 4 lively little monsters, Joseph, Lola, Gabriel and Lana
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